Be complete before relationship.

 

Two years ago my heart was broken. I was broken. I truly believed that I could never be capable of loving someone so much ever again. I told myself I already had my once in a lifetime love. I had that all consuming passion, life, or death relationship and when that ended I just knew that was it. That was the end of me. That was the end of love.

As I tried to date here and there I knew I was still broken. The brokenness from my past would sneak up on me as insecurities & unreturned feelings. I was so frustrated with myself because I just couldn’t care. I couldn’t care about another person the way I cared about him. I couldn’t feel better. I couldn’t make time go faster so I could just move on already. I would have perfectly good men trying to date me and I couldn’t feel anything for them. I decided I wouldn’t force feelings when I heard a piece of advice from Ben Stuart, “the right person at the wrong time, is still the wrong person.”

So what did I do? I learned to be patient. Patient with myself and patient with God. As time went on, I healed. God healed my heart a little more each day. Not people, not things, and certainly not another relationship. After the first year I decided for six months no dating, no tinder, & no set ups. I promised myself I wouldn’t even talk to someone romantically for six months. I’m on the higher end of my twenties so this made me nervous.

As a woman raised in the south past the age of 25 all you’ve heard about is marriage, relationships, and babies since graduating high school. If you’re past 25 with no husband and no kids, you’re definitely an odd ball. I’ve been in/attended countless weddings at my age. “Your biological clock is ticking” is all any woman my age can think of. But let me ask you something, when you serve the author of time what is time anyway!? I decided I would trust God and KNOW without a doubt that He is FOR me and HE will tell ME when the time is right.

After deciding that, I did me. I did what I wanted. I got involved with my church and served. I helped others. I volunteered. I spent so much time with friends and traveling. I had the hardest, most fun, yet best two single years of my life. I grew. I became the woman I want to be. I became the type of person I expect in a spouse. I fought hard to be this woman.

When my new boyfriend came along, I was ready for him. I waited for him. I was patient in our friendship being sure I knew he was the type of person I wanted to be with. I evaluated him. I questioned him. I prayed for and about him. I got to know him as a best friend first. I didn’t have to bring the baggage from my last relationship begging him to be patient with me. I wasn’t half of a person looking to him to be the other half that made me whole. I wasn’t needing him to be my rock when the insecurities came flooding in. In my time of healing I found someone to carry my baggage. I found someone to be my other half. I found my rock to speak truths to me when the insecurities lied to me. My Abba Father. You see, when I decided I wanted to be patient more than I wanted to be married, I found true joy. I found myself. I am “complete, lacking nothing”. I don’t love him because he’s everything I am not, I love him because he’s everything he is.

james1-4

 

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About courageousandkind2016

This is an anonymous blog written by a woman who has loved and who has lost. Anyone who has loved another with her entire soul can identify with at least some of what I'm saying. This is my journey from brokenness to healing. My hope is that some of these words would help give someone out there hope that there is healing through the pain.
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