December 31, 2015. I really never thought I’d see this day without you. I thought you were my forever. I thought we’d have the rest of our years together. I thought that someday we’d be gray haired looking into each other’s eyes in our rocking chairs on that porch we always talked about having.
As 2015 comes to a close so do the chapters of our relationship. It’s bittersweet to have those words on my lips. Bitter because it hurts, yes still hurts. Not in the same way it did when I realized our forever was never going to happen. It hurts because I’m saying goodbye to myself, my old self. The only self I’ve known for seven years. I’m giving up the dysfunctional, erratically behaved, and the all you consuming part of myself. I’m giving up my relationship sabotage because your glimmers of hope were more captivating. I’m giving up my masochistic self-destructing obsession with the “what ifs” and “maybe one day down the road”.
The end of 2015 will be sweet because I will no longer be under your spell. The spell of late night calls, tears of wishes that it could be, and feeling the need of our love to complete each other. I am no longer bound to you. I am releasing myself although you struggle to keep my heart in the slightest ways bound forever. I am releasing myself from you.
The end of 2015 will be bittersweet because it is the end of “us”. Forever. All of the highs that kept me hanging on by a thread and constantly gluing the broken pieces of our relationship will fade into beautiful memories. All of the lows that pushed me, beat me down, and made me wish I were dead will grow into the strength and dignity I will pass on to my future children.
I will be forever grateful for the love, fun, and beauty of our relationship. I will thrive from the unappreciation, control, and hate of our relationship. I am not hardened or bitter because what we had was real. Real life and real love. You truly helped push me into the Woman I am today. And for that I cannot regret you or the relationship we had. I am proud of the Woman I am today. She is strong, fierce, doesn’t take crap from anybody, smart, and most of all still open to love and to be loved.
So goodbye old friend may God bless you in your new life and adventures just as I pray for him to bless me in mine. If we see each other again someday I’ll look at you and smile with no bitterness or regrets in my heart because for the first time in seven years, I am at peace.
-A woman who can finally say goodbye
This post was also featured on a friend of mine’s blog see it here: The Renaissance Woman Blog