Be complete before relationship.

 

Two years ago my heart was broken. I was broken. I truly believed that I could never be capable of loving someone so much ever again. I told myself I already had my once in a lifetime love. I had that all consuming passion, life, or death relationship and when that ended I just knew that was it. That was the end of me. That was the end of love.

As I tried to date here and there I knew I was still broken. The brokenness from my past would sneak up on me as insecurities & unreturned feelings. I was so frustrated with myself because I just couldn’t care. I couldn’t care about another person the way I cared about him. I couldn’t feel better. I couldn’t make time go faster so I could just move on already. I would have perfectly good men trying to date me and I couldn’t feel anything for them. I decided I wouldn’t force feelings when I heard a piece of advice from Ben Stuart, “the right person at the wrong time, is still the wrong person.”

So what did I do? I learned to be patient. Patient with myself and patient with God. As time went on, I healed. God healed my heart a little more each day. Not people, not things, and certainly not another relationship. After the first year I decided for six months no dating, no tinder, & no set ups. I promised myself I wouldn’t even talk to someone romantically for six months. I’m on the higher end of my twenties so this made me nervous.

As a woman raised in the south past the age of 25 all you’ve heard about is marriage, relationships, and babies since graduating high school. If you’re past 25 with no husband and no kids, you’re definitely an odd ball. I’ve been in/attended countless weddings at my age. “Your biological clock is ticking” is all any woman my age can think of. But let me ask you something, when you serve the author of time what is time anyway!? I decided I would trust God and KNOW without a doubt that He is FOR me and HE will tell ME when the time is right.

After deciding that, I did me. I did what I wanted. I got involved with my church and served. I helped others. I volunteered. I spent so much time with friends and traveling. I had the hardest, most fun, yet best two single years of my life. I grew. I became the woman I want to be. I became the type of person I expect in a spouse. I fought hard to be this woman.

When my new boyfriend came along, I was ready for him. I waited for him. I was patient in our friendship being sure I knew he was the type of person I wanted to be with. I evaluated him. I questioned him. I prayed for and about him. I got to know him as a best friend first. I didn’t have to bring the baggage from my last relationship begging him to be patient with me. I wasn’t half of a person looking to him to be the other half that made me whole. I wasn’t needing him to be my rock when the insecurities came flooding in. In my time of healing I found someone to carry my baggage. I found someone to be my other half. I found my rock to speak truths to me when the insecurities lied to me. My Abba Father. You see, when I decided I wanted to be patient more than I wanted to be married, I found true joy. I found myself. I am “complete, lacking nothing”. I don’t love him because he’s everything I am not, I love him because he’s everything he is.

james1-4

 

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Love for a Lifetime

I was recently told a story of three loves in a lifetime.

First love is the high school love. The feeling as though nobody is as important as this person nor will anyone ever be. The I will never love anyone else or as much as I’ve loved you feeling.

Second love is the hard love. The all-consuming, lesson learned, dysfunctional love. The love that taught you more about yourself than any other person ever could. This love is the addicting love. It’s fighting, screaming, loving, and passion. The thing about this love…it’s not permanent. It is meant to show you exactly what you don’t deserve and what you won’t tolerate.

This third love, so they say, is your lifetime love. It’s the love that shakes us to our core and we didn’t know it could exist. It’s the love that feels right and everything you’ve ever hoped for.

Well I’m here to tell all of you still walking through that second love, there is more. It gets better. It gets easier and I don’t mean with the second love I mean without them.  I cannot say this because I have this so called third love but I can say this because I don’t. I can say what I do know about my second love…

I had one day of courage. I had one moment to pull my inner strength and say “ENOUGH.”How I did it? Strength from God, my family, & MYSELF. All it took was one day for me to give up that high of “I love him, I need him and I will never love anyone again.” I took a step back and had a weekend away with family to get away from the influence of my love towards him. I did a lot of soul searching that weekend. I prayed so hard God would change him, shape him, and mold him into the Godly man I just KNEW he had inside of him. But then in the midst of many tears and many prayers I heard God say, just surrender, I am waiting here for you.

Now can I say I drove straight home dumped him and went on with my life? No, it took me two days of sleeping next to him in our already tense home life to muster up the courage. On day two, my ex asked what was going on with me and that he knew I was detaching myself from him. I broke down right then and there and said I can’t do it anymore. And he was ok with it. Of course he was. He was always a very proud man. He never asked me to stay. He proved to me that he was exactly the man he had been showing me he was for seven years.

It was an uphill journey after that. Battling with wanting him back, hating him, loving him, wishing things were different, but they weren’t. Now I’m here, a one-year+ survivor of a broken heart, and I’m telling y’all…the view from the top is worth it. Keep climbing. Find it, find your strength somehow. Get help from your friends & your family. Be honest with them in your desperation of healing. Talk to a counselor. SEEK GOD. Allow God to heal your very core. You cannot heal the deep wounds a person has left in you by covering them up with another person. You have to be YOU without another. Sure, a little distraction here and there is great but don’t allow someone else in to the broken you. Bring someone in to see the healed you. The complete person.

Sure there may be this great third love out there for me, but right now…My third love is me!

be-brave

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What do I do next?

Since the official break up I’ve been working on finding myself. After 7 years, it’s safe to say I don’t know who I really am anymore. I find myself often asking…”what’s next?” I’ve searched for answers in other [short lived] relationships. Looking to give my love away to someone who would take it. Giving them my time and attention to get my mind off all the
wasted
time I gave to my ex. I’ve tried tinder and Facebook requesting random guys. I’ve also given my all into my church. I threw myself into project and service after service at church. All these things have been great distractions. But just in the last three months of my singleness I’ve come upon a revelation…I don’t care what’s next!

I promised myself 6 months without dating. The reason I promised myself this is because I know I need healing. I know my future boyfriend NEEDS me to be healed. I was always that girl that NEVER went without a boyfriend or at least seriously talking to a guy. And now here I am, month three, single and free not talking to anyone and I LOVE it!!

I’ve decided that what’s next is I’m going to love myself. I’m going to love life. And I’m going to have SO much fun doing it. I feel like I’m in my young twenties again only wiser! I have respect for myself, I know my limits, and I have more money…hollaaaaa!

peaceSo if you find yourself creepin up on 30 but you didn’t get a proper early 20’s TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT! Heck, if you find yourself in this position at any age, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT!! People are waiting longer to get married and settle down to have a family. Make a list of places you want to see and things you want to do and DO IT! Get your best friends by your side and accomplish these things. Because we’re going to be married longer than we were ever single. Do all these things and never lose faith in God that He will send you the perfect person when He knows you’re ready and FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR LIFE!

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One Year Ex-Anniversary

Levi Lusko says in his book, Through the Eyes of a Lion, “Masking pain doesn’t heal it any faster; it actually slows it down and stunts your rehabilitation.”

It’s officially been one year since my ex and I have been labeled girlfriend and boyfriend and that in itself is hard. Yesterday, 2.10.15, being the official day I kept busy to prove to myself I wasn’t sad or upset. I had this awesome blog planned to write up yesterday about moving on and about being healed and what I was free of from my unhealthy relationship.

However, I want to be real here.

Do you all remember the moment when you looked at YOUR person and thought, “I am SO in love with you”? I remember this moment specifically like it were yesterday. There was nothing special about the day or the time and we had actually been together for 6[ish] years at this point. I was looking down to him from the upstairs window. He looked up at me and mouthed “I love you” then turned around to walk away to go about his business. I just kept staring after him just looking and thinking I LOVE this man with everything that is within me. Just looking at him while doing absolutely nothing special.  Just after he turned and walked away he stopped, turned around, and looked up at me again. He saw me staring after him that’s when he smiled back because he knew. He knew exactly what I was thinking. In that moment he just smiled because loved me the same exact way I loved him and we both felt it in our souls. Thinking about that moment still makes me smile because it was so undeniable.

The best part of remembering moments like these is knowing that I don’t miss him like that anymore. This I can say is true. I don’t think on the moment at the window wishing for it back. I want to always remember how I felt in that moment so I know how I wish to feel again. But this time I am anxious now to have that “SO in Love” moment again in a different way with someone different. I owe it to myself to feel that way again but different…better, stronger, longer, selfless, healthy, kind, honoring, and above all lasting.

If you’re fresh out of relationship EVERYBODY tells you, “Time heals all wounds”. I just knew these people SURELY didn’t know how I felt. They may have had heartbreak, “but not like this”,  “not like me”.  Oh sweet friends, when I say I know what you’re going through I do. I may not feel it now like you do or I may not have experienced it the way you have. Although, in my own way, I was broken…just like you. So as the one year mark has passed can I say that I’m healed today? No, but I’m better than yesterday…and today, that’s ok with me.

Love.

Clock

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You’re [NOT] fine now.

“Oh it’s been 6 months and she has a new boyfriend. She’s totally fine now!”

Recently, I heard this shared from a dear friend of mine. This is what others were saying about her. My friend has endured a heartache I wish on no one. And like so many of us, it has left her scared, insecure, and somewhat broken. However, she’s learned, like so many of us, to smile and break through the pain. She’s doing her damnedest to move on and while doing so she does all of this with grace and unspeakable joy some days. But you know what? Some days are just hard. She’ll text me saying “bad day, need prayer”. Immediately I start praying and then I start sending her scripture.  Some days that will help her and some days it just doesn’t. Just like yesterday, she made it through the day but just barely. As we were talking on the phone towards the end of the night through many tears she says to me, “so many people see me happy and moved on and think I’m fine. But I’m not fine! I think everybody thinks I should be ok 6 months later but some days I’m not.”

NottodayDear friends, if you find this is you, 3 months, 6 months, or 12 months down the road and some days you find, you’re not fine I’m here to tell you…it’s OK!

It is OK to be NOT fine.

We cannot measure each other’s pain on a scale of 1 – 10. We cannot think the way she deals with her heartbreak is the same way you deal with heartbreak. Pain is not measured, it is felt. So please, if one day you want to cry or be angry, LET YOURSELF! Allow yourself to feel the pain, hurt, anger, anxiety, or sadness because in the end, that’s the only way to heal. Feel it and push through it to the other side.

Prayer: God, on the days I am NOT fine speak truth to me. Let me feel your love and comfort and let me wrap myself in your arms. Give me peace. Help me push through this and be strong. And most importantly Father, let me ALWAYS remember that YOU will NEVER leave me or forsake me!

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Doors.

Sometimes God gently closes a door. Sometimes God gently closes the same door again.

Sometimes God gently closes the same door again, and again, and again…

Until finally slams the door shut.

We question “Why God, why?”

He simply says, “No child, no”

Nothing more, nothing less except “No more.”

If you, like me, find God closing doors in your life do yourself a favor and keep them closed.

He is sparing you pain, suffering and heartbreak.

Don’t get your fingers [heart] caught in the door trying to keep it open.

Prayer: God, please give me the wisdom to see the difference between doors that need persistence in the pursuing and the doors that need to remain closed. Give me grace when I fail to listen and try opening the door again. Give me peace, comfort, and understanding when I realize the answer. Lord, help me to Trust in You!

 

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Lost?

Do you ever lose something and then wait to look in the last place you think it is for fear it might not be there? Well I do that. If I think what I’ve lost is in a certain place why don’t I go to that exact spot first and just find it? I think there’s a message in that. I think when I’m searching for something and I know where it should be, I go everywhere else first just to eliminate all the other possibilities first before the last stop.

What if I were to think of this in terms of my heart healing? If I know I can be healed [through getting out of my bed (no matter my fear), putting on a smile (no matter my anxiety inside), and going to church (the last place I want to be)] then why don’t I RUN straight to permanent healing instead of looking for temporary healing in other places first?

I’m blessed that my single girlfriends were raised with similar [Christian] backgrounds as me but through our tragedies, trials and heartbreaks we all usually end up in the same place [running in circles searching for love in all the wrong places].  We’re all looking for the audible validation and someone to [not so simply] heal our heart from all the wounds of the past. As wonderful as that someone may be, they will never be able to heal in us what has been broken. They will never be able to tell us we’re pretty enough, smart enough, and respected enough if we don’t first find it in ourselves [THROUGH GOD].

Christine Caine’s daughter couldn’t have said it better when a little boy called her stupid and ugly, “NO! My Daddy says I am BEAUTIFUL and that I am INTELLIGENT”. This, my friends, is the ultimate healing. Not through friends, not through new relationships, but through the word of God. When my Daddy says, “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue” [Proverbs 31:26] and “Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed” [Psalm 34:5].

Search for your Creator God FIRST and don’t prolong the permanent healing.

stop looking

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